I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
