dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
