I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
