I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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