Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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