he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize