Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
