I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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