I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
