made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
