party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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