i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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