I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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