Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
