You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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