remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize