you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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