i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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