I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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