I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
