U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize