so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
