I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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