My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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