You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize