You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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