after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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