I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
