the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize