he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
