why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize