Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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