I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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