Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
