I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Houston, we have a squirter
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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