I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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