if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
should my penis look like a turkey
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
