Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
