Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
