K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
