My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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