My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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