Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
