I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
