Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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