so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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