I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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