I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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