i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
