So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
