He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
