there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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