i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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