Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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