I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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