i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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